don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
