I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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