Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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