70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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