I need to stop coming to work sober
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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