I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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