god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
