He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
