the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
