my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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