He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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