Got a toothbrush?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
