dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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