Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
