new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
