Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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