did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
