FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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