"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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