I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize