dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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