How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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