i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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