you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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