And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
