Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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