They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
