I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
