Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
