The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
