Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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