12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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