Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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