my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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