We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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