Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
