Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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