so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
