Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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