if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
