She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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