I think I died a long time ago.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize