You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize