i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
