My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news, I just burned my penis
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
