fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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