This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
