college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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