WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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