all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
