you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
