his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
