No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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