moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
