That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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