I just threw up on my dentist
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize