If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
